Mawaleh was at first an idea which later became an obsession. I gave it lots of my time and effort, because, after a few issues, I thought that it was really worth the trouble. But when producing the first few issues, I really felt like I wasn’t going to continue contributing due to the lack of connection and the everyday threats of being mortared, bombed or arrested.
I had to run away from my hometown. Run away from all the fears and insecurities everybody imprinted onto my body and mind. Yet again, I lost the contact even though I was outside of Syria. I couldn’t take my PC with me, and things weren’t as promised or as I suspected. I found myself with drips of internet from time to time, until one of my roommates donated his laptop to me to work on while I was living with them.
Too many things and thoughts had to be digested and managed, which kept me from writing or designing any good stuff for the magazine and to make things worse; my family weren’t able send my PC thanks to the worsening situation there, so later on I found myself out of touch with them too.
Everything around me continued to be dramatic, but thankfully, I had that laptop and few online friends, which helped me to maintain a good state of mind. Then after few months I had to contact “Sami Hamwi” to tell him that I needed to return to Syria as I couldn’t stay any longer in Lebanon, he discouraged that thought and offered me another way out; to fly to him and stay with him. I learned that my uncle lives in the same area Sami. So I thought: Why not? I may as well contact my uncle and stay with him.
I have now been living over a month in Sami’s household. I still haven’t seen my uncle and I don’t think I will anytime soon. I feel bad in myself, and have so much to digest. However, things with writing and designing are getting better. Although I’m still without a PC, Sami is sharing his laptop with me just as he shares everything else too. I still feel bad in myself, but I hope that feeling will soon disappear.
Nour Maarawi
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